I was gone for a little while. You were gone as well. Welcome back Jay! If that is even who I am anymore. Mental health makes you question a lot of things, significant things, trivial things. It makes you question the core of your own existence, but most importantly, the why. Why are you so fucked up Jay? After all the work you have done for yourself and for others you stoop this low? I wish I had an answer, or an excuse, like before. But the truth is that I don’t, not anymore. My excuse-fabricating factory is closed for good.
WE WILL ALL GO AWAY FOR A LITTLE WHILE – It happens sometimes. It’s the nature of the beast, the primordial kiss of who we are in essence. Stability is only temporary and then comes war, the intense battle between you and I, between who you are and who I am not, between the fusion of things we care for. Then comes the shot and then the bottle, and the line of coke that makes you remember your most evil self, the one that you loath but only after a week of having him around. Who is he anyway, what does he want and why does he have to bully you so deeply to get it? Why does he need to destroy every brick you have spent so much to place, your hand shaking incontrollable, your tears making it a “careful, wet floor” environment? That’s just who he is, I guess, that’s just who I am, and I am scared.
WELCOME BACK! I see myself looking down with embarrassment. My temporary replacement tends to make me do that, every time. And only after everything is slightly fucked up and slimy will he leave, because he doesn’t do clean up, oh no. I have to do that all by myself, and I have gotten strong doing it. And even now, when I beg “PLEASE, DON’T GO AWAY!” I know I will, for a little while, just like you will. But there is one thing, only one thing that is sublime and true, only one thing that keeps me ticking if barely.
I will always come back.